Sunday, November 18, 2007

Super Mario conspiracy


My roommate is playing some version of an old Super Mario game. I don't believe that it is vitally important for one to know what game it is exactly because it's all the same. Princess Peach is making Mario jump through hoops and risk his life so he can "save" her from the evil Bowser. We've seen it all before and, quite frankly, I can't stand watching Mario get played by that two-timing...well, you can be creative with that one. On the meager wages of a plumber, Mario is expected to travel across entire worlds and battle ridiculous villains so he can save his princess. And what's his reward? She gets captured right away in the next game!

Personally, I think Peach is giving Mario the run-around. It would appear that getting captured would be the product of some erotic fantasy Peach has that requires Mario to go on a quest to get her back. She's already the damn princess, so how much more of an ego boost does she need? It's either that or she's been sleeping with Bowser and hasn't told Mario yet:

Peach: Hurry up, Mario is going to be home soon.

Bowser: Please, baby. Papa Bowser is busy pleasin' you.

Peach: I just can't stand to hurt Mario.

Bowser: Yeah, yeah. Lemme see what's under that dress...

(a car door slams)

Peach: Oh my god, he's home!

Mario (opens door): Peach! It's-a-me, Mario!

Peach: God...um...ok, grab the cocaine and we'll go out the back window. I'll make him think you captured me again.

Bowser: Shit girl, if you say so.

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We're back in reality now. I just don't think this is all fair to Mario. Either Peach needs to come clean and break it off with the poor guy or Mario needs to salvage what's left of his dignity and end it with her. It's about time Mario settled down with a real woman.

Oh, and when is Luigi getting his own game, free of his fat brother?

4 comments:

Tony said...

Hi all,
Strange how people change, I can't stand the sight or sound of Mario anymore yet it took up a good couple of years of my spare time way back when it first came out, I had it on the console originally and after finally getting away from Mario on the cast myself I find it is even more popular with my boys on the gameboy, aaaggh.
Oh well, they will live and learn just as I did. And yes I did watch the movie but only because good ole Bob Hoskins was in it.

Tony:)

stevedimatteo said...

Yes! Someone else remembers that movie! You made my day with that one. Also, I like to kick the crap out of Mario in Super Smash Bros. It makes me feel good about myself.

Unknown said...

LOL!!
Love the dialogue!

That annoyingly simple, techno on PCP song jumped into my head the second you mentioned the name.

Worse.. my hubby tends to hum it in the shower, a good decade after he's last played the game!

Nintendo - brainwashers extraordinairre

Anonymous said...

Okay, nobody cares about that. People can just relate to the whole man saves princess story. Think of the characters as actors. Not hoes and dicks