Taste that delicious irony

Do you smell that irony? It's so rich and tempting. Take just a little bite and let it sit in your mouth while you savor the juices that are sending your taste buds into their equivalent of an unforgettable orgasm. I smell it at least. What I'm talking about is my blog's "intelligence level." The new feature that I put on my sidebar claims that the apparent intelligence it takes to read my writing is at a genius level. I find this ironic and supremely gratifying to know this, not because what I write has some shred of intellect, but because I write a lot about killing famous American authors and farts. In fact, "fart" is one of my most-used tags.

There you have it - genius readers love farts and numerous references to sodomy, pornography, and brutal murder.

If you want to find out the intelligence level of your blog, go to this link:

http://www.criticsrant.com/bb/reading_level.aspx

All you have to do is fill in your URL and you will apparently find out what level of education it takes for one to understand your writing. If you're like me and you enjoy a gratuitous murder scene every now and then, you are most assuredly on the fast track to a blog only geniuses will truly understand. And yes, I am making "fart" a tag for this.

A short lesson on the right way to take notes

For a two-hour class, one would think that I would be doing a hefty amount of note-taking. The only actual notes for this particular class revolve around the essays that we recently had to turn in.

"Keep in mind," I wrote (and circled). I also made bullet points for things to remember when writing the next essay in the class.

• Title
• Historical present tense - ask yourself "so what?"
• Beware of generalizations

And that's it. The rest of the page was dedicated to whatever my mind could come up during that span of time (2-4 pm, Mondays and Wednesdays).

Here is a sample page of those "notes," taken on September 26th, 2007:

- I made up a new name for a character that I thought was funny: Dr. Chadwick Breasticus.

- I tried drawing some eyes, one being severed and floating through the air with a small trail of blood behind it.

- I drew the face of some man with Elvis sideburns, his chin and face starting to melt away for reasons unknown to me. He looks down and screams, "My FACE!!"

- A character drawn up to the chin is completely naked with a small censor covering his private parts. A *POOF* is coming out of his butt, along with little lines to indicate a vicious fart. In fact, it is so vicious that I draw someone's head literally being torn off by the force of the flatulence.

I really do learn a lot in the class - many valuable lessons that will help me grow as an adult and become a stronger intellectual. If Dr. Chadwick Breasticus and vicious, decapitating farts won't help me in the real world, then I don't know what will.

One of the many tough decisions in life...

So many decisions and situations in life are mind-boggling, like this: how often are you walking in front of someone, a few feet or so, and you fart? Not loud so the person can hear it, but you know it's about to get raunchy. Do you walk faster to get away, leaving an even longer trail of your scent? You could always turn around for a split-second and apologize, but that would make you psychotic. Your best bet is to wait it out, praying the person doesn't smell it or that the wind carries your flatulence into the atmosphere to be sprinkled into the sky. Personally, there's nothing better than squeezing out some massive one, then turning around and giving that person behind you a wink as if you are saying "yeah, that was me."