Superman Too Drunk to Save Doomed School Bus

OMAHA -- A tragic day in Nebraska began with a bus full of schoolchildren falling off a 200-ft. high cliff, all to their unexpected demise. What is more startling, and perhaps more upsetting, is the apparent drunkenness of the doomed bus' supposed savior.

Superman, the world's most highly regarded and renowned superhero, was visibly drunk as he attempted to save the bus full of children at 8:30 am. The blue-clad hero was swaying in the sky, wobbling about in a path that was unlike his normal straight-as-a-bullet flight pattern that has earned him such beloved nicknames through his life.

"It was obvious that Supes was completely drunk," says Morton Landau, a witness to the scene. "He couldn't fly straight and when he finally did land, we had to point him in the right direction. Not to mention that we [Landau's family] noticed he smelled like cheap whiskey."

Onlookers say that while Superman initially seemed capable of saving the children, it became evident quickly that the hero was in no shape to save anyone. Utter confusion soon turned to vicious anger, as the hero was heard saying "everyone is out to get me" and "if any of you look at me, I'll kill you."

Through deep sobs and endless tears, Gladys Jones was able to say this: "Superman had no idea what he was doing, but we were all afraid to say anything."

The joyous shouts of the children were quickly stifled as Superman proved he was incapable of bringing the bus back over the side of the steep cliff. Holding onto the back bumper, Superman was unable to get a firm enough grasp on the bus to pull it back over. Witnesses prayed and watched with dropped jaws and pure bewilderment. Unfortunately, those prayers were not answered and he finally let go when he felt the urge to vomit whatever it was he had previously been drinking.

"I smelled that puke," says Jimmy Hayes, another witness. "He was definitely drinking alcohol. I picked that puke up, and I'm selling it on eBay for 50 bucks a bottle."

Pure silence followed until Superman, still stumbling and muttering various obscenities, finally took off into the sky.

"Superman has been under plenty of stress lately," says Richard Pearson, the hero's lawyer. "This is nothing more than an unfortunate accident. Superman was fully aware of his actions and was not under the influence of any kind of alcohol. He did everything he could to save those poor children."

The bus was on its way to a field trip when it slipped on an icy patch of road. The momentum forced the bus to break through the guardrail and increasingly teeter over the edge of the cliff.

Superman was unavailable for comment.