Superman Too Drunk to Save Doomed School Bus

OMAHA -- A tragic day in Nebraska began with a bus full of schoolchildren falling off a 200-ft. high cliff, all to their unexpected demise. What is more startling, and perhaps more upsetting, is the apparent drunkenness of the doomed bus' supposed savior.

Superman, the world's most highly regarded and renowned superhero, was visibly drunk as he attempted to save the bus full of children at 8:30 am. The blue-clad hero was swaying in the sky, wobbling about in a path that was unlike his normal straight-as-a-bullet flight pattern that has earned him such beloved nicknames through his life.

"It was obvious that Supes was completely drunk," says Morton Landau, a witness to the scene. "He couldn't fly straight and when he finally did land, we had to point him in the right direction. Not to mention that we [Landau's family] noticed he smelled like cheap whiskey."

Onlookers say that while Superman initially seemed capable of saving the children, it became evident quickly that the hero was in no shape to save anyone. Utter confusion soon turned to vicious anger, as the hero was heard saying "everyone is out to get me" and "if any of you look at me, I'll kill you."

Through deep sobs and endless tears, Gladys Jones was able to say this: "Superman had no idea what he was doing, but we were all afraid to say anything."

The joyous shouts of the children were quickly stifled as Superman proved he was incapable of bringing the bus back over the side of the steep cliff. Holding onto the back bumper, Superman was unable to get a firm enough grasp on the bus to pull it back over. Witnesses prayed and watched with dropped jaws and pure bewilderment. Unfortunately, those prayers were not answered and he finally let go when he felt the urge to vomit whatever it was he had previously been drinking.

"I smelled that puke," says Jimmy Hayes, another witness. "He was definitely drinking alcohol. I picked that puke up, and I'm selling it on eBay for 50 bucks a bottle."

Pure silence followed until Superman, still stumbling and muttering various obscenities, finally took off into the sky.

"Superman has been under plenty of stress lately," says Richard Pearson, the hero's lawyer. "This is nothing more than an unfortunate accident. Superman was fully aware of his actions and was not under the influence of any kind of alcohol. He did everything he could to save those poor children."

The bus was on its way to a field trip when it slipped on an icy patch of road. The momentum forced the bus to break through the guardrail and increasingly teeter over the edge of the cliff.

Superman was unavailable for comment.

The case against superheroes (Part Two)

What about when Spider-Man and the Green Goblin are going at it in the city, annihilating buildings and destroying hundreds of thousands (maybe even millions in some cases) dollars worth of property and materials? If I was a homeowner or had an apartment that was decimated by one of the Goblin’s pumpkin bombs, I would demand that someone start paying to fix the hole in my wall that, with one wrong step, would allow me to fall 60 stories to my death.

The natural disasters and normal accidents were bound to happen whether or not the superheroes existed, so that is just something that humanity would have to deal with. By saving all those lives from those incidents, the heavy talk about fate and the shifting future of the world comes into play. Perhaps those people were supposed to perish in those accidents. When a superhero saves somebody, he/she keeps the population at its current level, creating added pressure on the scarce amount of resources available. Population pressure is a serious issue in the world and it would be unwise for the superheroes to save everybody, only because it will come back to hurt them in the future.

If the heroes were smart, they would allow their governments to regulate their activities and possibly pay them for their services. Getting paid to be a superhero would work well for most heroes struggling to juggle a job and the duties of being a hero, such as Peter Parker. Any wage earned from the government would be better than freelancing for a newspaper, even if it is in New York. By limiting their power, governments can prevent the amount of damage done to a city or, at the very least, establish a system that would force the heroes to incur some of the damages.

The best contribution that heroes make to society is the fact that they remain role models to all the children of the world. So much so that kids might just start forgetting about their parents and idolize the heroes instead. Parents work hard to gain the respect and admiration of their kids and more should be upset that these heroes are taking that away. Also, how many children will attempt to imitate the actions of their favorite heroes and get seriously injured or die while trying to fly off their roof?

A world with superheroes causes more stress and anxiety for society than one that does not. When a country is at war, experiencing rising inflation, or any other dilemma, does it really need the added pressure of a supervillain threatening to take over and kill everybody? And why would a supervillain want to kill everybody anyway? Wouldn’t it get extremely lonely living on the earth alone; I never could understand that. And how would reproduction occur when you are only surrounded by your henchmen? These questions and more can cause a person to go crazy and in this world that already contains enough insanity to last a lifetime, superheroes are only adding to the problem. They look cool and provide more than enough entertainment for the masses, but the world certainly doesn’t need their headaches.

The case against superheroes (Part One)

Maybe J. Jonah Jameson has it right. Throughout the years, he has been regarded as nothing more than an angry crackpot newspaper editor, functioning on the desire to take down Spider-Man and reveal that he is nothing more than a crook, thief, and a plethora of other negative connotations. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that Spider-Man and the other superheroes in existence are crooks or thieves, but they may be causing more problems than solving them.

First and foremost, the largest threats that people face in the world of superheroes are, of course, the supervillains. Without superheroes to protect all of us, the villains could run roughshod over the rest of humanity and do whatever they please with the world, perhaps making the humans their slaves. I don’t know about you, but I don’t particularly think working on a slave's wages in a country like Latveria would be all that enticing, so I suppose I would have the heroes to thank for that.

On the other hand, after witnessing heroes gain their powers in a myriad of freakish ways, doesn’t it seem just a bit odd that the villains start popping up onto the scene only after those powers are acquired? When thinking about it, the only time these colorful characters begin coming out of the woodwork is when the main hero actually starts to use his/her powers.

It’s hard to say whether or not villains would appear if the superhero did not exist first, but it’s worth noting the trend that the villains exist only after a hero is created. The villains, of course, are the antagonists of any comic book. If there is no protagonist, then what becomes of the villain? An antagonist in any story can only be called that if its opposite is present; the villain thrives on the hero to survive and vice versa. It would be impossible to have evil in the world without the presence of good to combat it as it is just not physically or socially possible.

Therefore, the absence of the superheroes could actually make the world a better place because it would also rid the world of its villains. There will always be crime, as even the superheroes cannot rid a city of that. Look at Batman for example. He’s been patrolling the streets of Gotham City for years, striking fear into the hearts of criminals everywhere and yet, each and every one contributes to the continuous downward spiral that keeps the city at cesspool status. The beatings and fresh-pair-of-pants-inducing experiences with someone as terrifying as Batman still have not taught these criminals to stop what they are doing and try to live an honest life. Small-time crime will always exist, but the police are a fine enough force to combat this dilemma.

And look at the damage that occurs in these cities! When Superman and Doomsday fought to the death (allegedly), who was cleaning up that mess? It definitely wasn’t the big guy in the red cape and even if he had lived through that battle, would he have contributed money to fix Metropolis? No way! His strength is a great asset to have, but he wouldn’t be paying for the damages and even if he could help rebuild the city, could he spend that much time helping when a new villain is most likely wreaking havoc somewhere else?